Monday, October 21, 2013
Day 4 and my thoughts on being real!
We are loved to the level we are known.
Why is it that we are so careful when it comes to being known by another. We have ideas of what we hope they will see in us, or see us as, rather. We want to look good and sound good. To seem smart and kind and confident, and to be remembered as someone they'd like to spend time getting to know even more.
But to let them know us more....is risky. To let them in below the surface could expose us. We seem fake or we aren't worthy.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I attended a get together for several of his co-workers and their wives, most of whom I had never met. Of course, like most women, I thought about what to wear and what to bring. I wondered what I'd talk about and if I would measure up and fit in. I did not obsess, but of course, I wanted to make a good impression....to be liked.
The evening started with introductions and small talk about children and jobs and alma maters. A few people with charismatic personalities held the conversations during dinner, everyone else laughing and adding a few words and stories here and there. After dinner, we played a get to know you game....choosing a question to answer for the group. I drew and read, "Share your most embarrassing moment." Of course...just the kind of thing you share when you are trying to make a great impression, but I am a talker and I love to tell stories....besides the incident I shared about happened many many years ago. At least I didn't draw, "Who is your favorite author?" To have to choose between Nicholas Sparks and Frances Chan...To seem like a hopeless romantic that enjoys sobbing at the end of every book....or to expose the wanna be radical "sold out" to God alone person that I desperately wish I was....even though I care way too much about what I'm wearing and how white my teeth look.
After dessert, we headed to the living room for another game. It was a cross between the 10,000 dollar pyramid and charades. I am a game player and enjoy being in front of a group so I was comfortable enough. Had it been a game of trivia or reasoning or strategy, I may have shrinked back. Everyone enjoyed the humor and the antics and the friendly competition.
After a little more mingling, and a prayer of thanksgiving for a successful first gathering, the night was over. We had so much fun! Someone snapped a photo for his wife who couldn't be there. We thanked the host and hugged farewell....and made mention of other nights like this to come.
Later David and I were talking. We appreciated the fact that everyone was easy and unassuming. We like them all...as much as we know them. And that is probably how they feel about us.
But...They do not know me...not really at all. They only know the me that I will let them see. Fair enough. I am not about to unzip my soul the first time I meet someone, yet I know that is required for a truer and deeper friendship...should it ever come to that. The people that know me in all my mess and goodness, with my fears and shattered dreams and all of my successes are the same people that see me in my pony tail, and no make up, wearing pj pants in the car line. They know me fully, not because I don't dress to impress them...but because I let them know me.
And I know them...and love them as deeply as I know them.
This is not a lesson in letting everyone in. It is more a reminder that to be fully loved, we need to be fully known. Deciding who it is that you value enough or trust enough to lay it all out there for may not come easy. Maybe it is the same person who has already laid all her mess out for you.
I desire to be full on loved. I treasure those few that can't possible love me for how well spoken or put together I am. They know what is beneath all that. When I am with them, I feel safe. I am unzipped...known and loved!
This is Day 4 of my series, "7 Days of Before Allume". I know there will be a lot of us at Allume who are dressed to impress and trying really hard to fit in. I hope to look past the cute shoes and stylish handbags, and fancy blog headers and massive amounts of twitter followers to see what is underneath and real. I hope to be open to the opportunities that arise when I can share deeper, more personal bits of my story as I continue my own journey to be real and really known.
Finally starting to get organized for packing.